DO IT YOURSELF

Do you suspect any female for your failure? Do you have any reserved feeling about the way a girl looks at you, in a terrifying manner? Does she look at you with the very bright white of her eyes? Scaring you to death? Away with those witches already. Today’s lesson is aimed on catching them red handed.

Enough with those lengthy processes religious men subject our conscience to. Bring white candle, bring white fowl and bring white cow; nonsense! All those ‘white’ nonsense would end today. This is a one step process to catching a witch yourself. Don’t be surprised, some of those religious men use this method. They hide it from you because they can’t afford to eat their foods without meat. But KALLIGRAPHY refuses to tow the same path with those Hippocrates.

Just in case you don’t know who a witch is. Let me give you a colloquial meaning of the word; a witch is someone, anyone, a male or a female; who may not only fly at night but also disturb your sleep and progress, whatever progress. (Don’t mind what oxford tells you, I don’t think the writer or editor of oxford has met a witch before, if he has, he would know that a witch could also be a male, nonsense!). Their modus operandi; holding meetings at night discussing your success. They plan to constantly make you immobile. Both physically and otherwise. That definition may sound too complex. But manage it.

Do you suspect Sonia for the sudden profuse sweating that you had immediately PHCN ceased power? Are you having a feeling that Jessica could be the cause of your carryover after you did not read? Do you think Vivian is the cause of your ulcer even if you ate once in three days? Then, this is a sure way of knowing the truth.

Follow these steps and you will have no problem after now. Trust me. It works. But please, ensure you follow all these steps completely. It is simple and easy.

Step One: Borrow N5, 000 from a friend. Even if have more than half a million in the bank, don’t take it. Just borrow 5K from a friend. You have to borrow all 5K from one friend. That is, don’t borrow 2K from James and then 3K from David. It won’t work. Borrow 5K from a friend, all at once. This friend must be a male.

Step Two: Smile at Jessica, Beatrice, Sonia or whoever the girl you are suspecting. Give her a broad smile and tell her these words “Would you please spare 5 minutes of your time”? Don’t worry, any reasonable suspected witch would listen. Remember, use exactly those words as they are written.

Step Three: Convince her to have lunch with you the next day. Now this step is very important as she must accept. Persons who have used this process always complain that this step is the most difficult. But just try to make her follow you. Smile for her. Tell her lies. Tell her truth. Confuse her soul. Deceive her spirit. Open your 32 teeth. Whatever you do, just make sure she accept your offer.

Step Four: That same day evening; take some money from the cash you borrowed, buy MTN and Airtel recharge card. N500 worth each. Then, in case you lied to her in step three, pray for forgiveness; trust me this step is necessary for the step 10 to be very effective. The recharge card must be bought that same day evening. Don’t postpone else the whole process would loss its efficacy.

At the restaurant the next day

Step Five: Buy her a plate of rice. Make sure the price of the plate of rice does not exceed N2, 000. If it exceeds, you will have to start from step one again to get a good result. I would advise you go before hand to know the price of the plate of rice. Let the waiter take the balance of the food if the price does not round up to N2, 000. In order to be more accurate just give the waiter the N2, 000 cash and say; “Give me a plate of rice and keep change.” Hope you are smart enough to understand that. It takes smartness to catch a witch, so, just trust me and keep to the plan.

Step Six: Use another N1, 500 to buy meats and ice cream. How you decide to do this is absolutely your business. Many persons buy meat N1, 000 (a chicken lap) and Ice cream N500. And another has done it the other way around and they both got the same result. But ensure you adhere to step five correctly.

Warning: Nothing solid should pass through your lips in this restaurant. Don’t take meat, rice or ice creams; I don’t think you want her to transfer the witch to your food. So, stay out of food. If you must take anything, buy a bottle or sachet water; whatever suits you. But I prefer you buy sachet water, the one they sell N10; so you don’t spend too much.

Smile at her and make sure she smiles at you. To get accurate result smile all through this process. By this time any suspected witch would want to appreciate your kind gesture. Don’t be moved by her antics. It is a trick. Don’t rush the reply. Just smile and reply softly; “No problem”.

Step Seven: This is the most tedious part. Stay cool and start counting silently from one to hundred. Don’t let your lips move when you are doing this except you want to get her scared. Count until she finishes. If you run out of figures, recite the alphabets backwards, that is, from Z to A silently. If you don’t know it, learn it; it would make you look busy. Trust me it is part of the process. When she does finish, take her outside, give her one of the recharge card. You must give her the airtime outside. Give her only one of the card depending on the line she uses. Call a cab and tell the cab man to drop her at her house. Pay the cab man with the remaining N500; tell him to keep change too. This is also very essential.

Step Eight: Now trek to your room. Ensure you do this under the hot sun. If the sun is not in its full strength, go back inside the restaurant and wait; continue drinking your sachet water or counting until the sun return to power. Once the sun is hot, start trekking to your room. Don’t take a bus or a cab, just trek to your house. Good.

Step Nine: Get to your room, lock the door and stand in the middle. Then pick up your phone, call this alleged witch, ask her about her journey home. Then hang up. Don’t worry you are almost there. Any suspected witch would rain blessings and appreciation on you. But as I initially said, don’t get too emotional about it, it is a trick. Just smile and reply “No problem”.

Now, to the most powerful step;

Step Ten: Kneel down, raise your two hands up and recite this; “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for thou art with me, Amen.”

That’s all. Yes, it is that simple.

Now, as show of appreciation, scratch the other recharge card and send me the pin. Send it to my inbox. Don’t worry, I use two SIM cards, if she uses MTN send me the Airtel and if she uses Airtel send me the MTN. Have a witch free life.

Ezekiel Efeobhokhan is a freelance journalist and a blogger. 

IT IS WELL

It all seems quiet now. Night classes are over. Exams are ended. Friends slap each other. They heave a sigh of relief. The materials; both snapped and photocopied are deleted. The nights are no longer sleepless. Year four finally gone.

We heard a lot about this behemoth; ‘It had 12 courses’. ‘It was the hardest’. ‘You must read every day’. ‘You would create more enemies’. ‘You may not remember to eat or brush or bath’. Blah blah blah! All of those nonsense filled our ears. But thank God its holidays now. No more nonsense.

But this semester was different. It was different for Kosi. So also for Amarachi. Both gave reasons why it wasn’t just another semester but a one filled with the proofs of a divine power. It was really a semester of many reputations.

Its experience brought smiles and grieve. Laughter and wailing. It brought difficulty with ease. To some, the session brought them closer to their dreams. They could smell the title added to their names; ‘Pharmacist This’ and ‘Pharmacist That’. They loved the profession.

To others it drove them farther. They feared they would fail. Hence they could hardly smile. They disowned laughter and sent it on exile. They resorted to grief, loneliness and seclusion; trying very hard to find hope in the quietude of their personality. Hence their quietness was a cloak for their fear. They thought being quiet naturally induces one with brilliance and intelligence. But they forgot Emeka, the ring leader. His whisper is like thunder bolt. He comments to everyone; both to students and lecturers alike. But he is good at what he does.

This semester has taught a lot of lessons. To David, the black, the one that flocks around Fegor. Yes, that David. The semester taught him a renowned phenomenon. According to him, “When there is ink, there is hope”. That is, never stop writing. To him, the three hours meant for examination was a moment for creativity. Adding that the supreme commandment of passing any exams is; “Never submit a blank sheet”. What else is the meaning of ‘attempt all question’?

We spent the nights in daytime. That is, there was no difference between the AM and the PM. But sleep was a common enemy. It created fear in some. Some shouted out of sleep; screaming with the highest level of ‘scarity’ (If such word exist). But, could we actually cheat sleep?

Many had their ears permanently wired to pop music---shakiti bobo. They sacrificed wraps of chewing gums. Sachets of coffee and Nescafe were not spared either, all in a bid to scare our slumber. For some it worked. But for others? It was a shame. They had to resort to snoring.

In this semester, some rose to more relevance; Benjamin and the psychedelic Courage. Others made new friends. A few found love; Isaac and Sonia. Yes, that Isaac. Ehidiamen’s friend. The tall, dark, handsome and square shouldered one. Yes that one. He found love. Only those who read and meditate in the pharmacy library would notice. He found Sonia; the library secretary. Hence I decided to start reading in the library. I thought, since the library helped Isaac, it may also …

Lastly, the semester revealed the intent of some colleagues; how bad their thoughts was toward us. The stomach of some lecturers were not spared. We knew the ones that loved us and the ones that pretended.

Now that exams are over, all we have is hope. Hope and faith. One day, we will all have a beautiful prefix to our name. That’s the picture that keeps us going. The pharmacist picture; when we are going to be our lecturers colleagues. God help us all.

KALLIGRAPHY says ‘It is well’.